


Taako Learns The Meaning of DILF

by phantomthief_fee



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Also I like both Lupcretia and Blupjeans, Dream Daddy AU, F/F, F/M, Just gay dads bein gay, M/M, So I thought why not have both
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-24
Updated: 2018-01-28
Packaged: 2019-02-06 08:52:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12814008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phantomthief_fee/pseuds/phantomthief_fee
Summary: Taako moves to Maple Bay with his son, Angus, at the urging of his sister. He’s just gone through a messy divorce with his ex-husband Sazed after Sazed poisoned and killed 40 people while trying to pin it on Taako. In Maple Bay, Taako meets Kravitz, the orchestra teacher at the high school, after Kravitz’s daughter falls out of a tree and onto Angus.





	1. Moving In

Taako Taaco had not had a particularly good year. First had been the restaurant incident and then had been the divorce. Taako’s  **ex** -husband, Sazed, had poisoned 40 people and blamed it all on Taako. All because he’d felt Taako wasn’t giving him enough attention. Taako admitted he wasn’t blameless in the matter, he had been pretty shitty towards Sazed, but that hadn’t warranted the guy poisoning  _ 40 people _ ! Now Sazed was in prison, likely for the rest of his life, for premeditated murder. Thankfully, some good had come out of all that. That good happened to be Angus McDonald. None of Angus’ family had been among the poisoning victims, nor did he know any of them, but one of the regular patrons at Taako’s restaurant happened to be Angus’ grandfather. Late grandfather at this point. Angus’ grandfather knew he was close to death by the time Taako closed down his restaurant. And so he had asked Taako to take in Angus. Taako hadn’t been thrilled by the idea, at first, but the second he met Angus, he knew he was in too deep. Angus was one of the best things to ever happen to him. The boy was kind, intelligent, and just self-sufficient enough that Taako didn’t have to worry too much about him. Taako loved him more than he loved himself. After Taako had adopted him, Lup had suggested the two of them move out to Maple Bay, where she lived.

“You two need to get away from all that baggage with Sazed.” She’d said. “This place’s got a decent school district and Mavis would totally love to have Angus around.” Taako had hesitated at first, but he knew Lup was right. It would do the two of them good to be in a new place. So he bought a house in Maple Bay and set Angus to be enrolled in school there. It was a new start for both of them. 

 

“Sir?” Angus’ voice invaded Taako’s pleasant dreams. He groaned and curled tighter around whatever he was spooning. What  _ was _ he spooning, anyway? Oh well, didn’t matter. All that mattered was sleep. Sweet sweet sleep. 

Angus sighed. “Dad.”

Taako’s eyes snapped open and he abruptly sat up. “Did you just-”

“Yes.” Angus stood above him, arms folded. “Now get up! We have to finish packing before the moving van gets here!” Right. The moving van. They were moving. Taako glanced to his right. So he’d been spooning a moving box. 

“Geez, you couldn’t have let me sleeping a little longer?” Taako stood up and stretched. 

“The moving van is leaving soon!” Angus stamped his foot. 

“Fine fine.” Taako grabbed the tape that had been left out and started taping up the top of the box. Angus ran off to gather his things and take them out to the truck. It seemed like while Taako had been sleeping, the boy had gotten most of the boxes already onto the truck. No small feat for someone his size. 

“You excited to move to a new town, pumpkin?” Taako asked when Angus had returned. 

“Yes, but I’m also a little scared,” Angus said as they headed out to the car. “It’s a new place and all.”

“Plus a closer proximity to Mookie.”

Angus nodded grimly. “That too.”

The two of them piled into the car, taking one last look at their old house. Taako couldn’t help but feel a tinge of regret. It had been the first thing he and Sazed had bought together. They’d saved every penny they earned to buy the house. It was a shitty, tiny little thing, but it had meant the world to both of them.

“Can’t believe I bought this place almost ten years ago,” Taako said, laughing a little. “Can’t believe the window’s still busted from when Mags tried to teach you how to play catch.”

“He has quite an arm, sir.” Angus laughed as well.

“And then he broke the other window trying to hang drapes, and the back window-”

“Yes, he breaks things.” Angus cut him off. “But he fixed them, didn’t he?”

“Well, mostly.” Taako shrugged. “There’ll be plenty more stuff for him to break at the new place, at least.”

“Memories to make and stuff to break.” Angus nodded.

“You ready, kiddo?”

“Have been all morning, sir.” 

Taako turned the key in the ignition, giving the house one last glance. With the house gone, he could finally cut his ties with Sazed. He would finally be able to move on. He had Angus now. And maybe in this new place, he’d find someone new. Someone who would love him.

“So, what’s the new house like?” Angus asked. “You and Aunty Lup have been so secretive about it.”

“Well, it’s bigger than our other house, since I’m pretty much rolling in dough now,” Taako said. “Lup twisted the realtor’s arm so we got a good deal, though.”

“Do we have room for a library?” Angus’ face lit up and he clutched his favourite Caleb Cleveland novel to his chest. “Please please please tell me we can have a library.”

“Well, we need someplace to store your books.” Taako made a vague gesture with one hand. “So, yeah. You get a library, kiddo.” Angus squealed and launched himself onto Taako, causing the man to swerve as he attempted to right himself. 

“Okay okay! Thank me when we’re not driving!” Taako pushed him off with one hand. 

“Sorry.” Angus settled back into his seat. “Have you met the neighbours yet?”

“Nah, but Lup told me who lives around there,” Taako said, glad to get the subject off his gift to Angus. “We’ll be living near Magnus, Lup, Lucretia, the nerd, Merle, Avi, Johan,  _ Brian _ , and Capn’port. Also some guy they see sometimes who works at the high school.”

“That’s awfully vague.” Angus narrowed his eyes in suspicion. “Do you think Aunty Lup is trying to matchmake you again?”

Taako shrugged. “Maybe. I’ll put up a fight, though.”

“I expected nothing less, sir.” Angus nodded solemnly. “So, what’s first on the agenda when we get to the new house?”

“Boring stuff,” Taako said. “Setting up the washer and dryer and shit. Picking up groceries. But we gotta explore too. I wanna scout out the competition.”

“The competition?” Angus asked, raising an eyebrow. 

“Gotta be the hottest dad on the block.” Taako flipped his hair dramatically. “Or, second hottest because of Mags.”

“Okay. Check the neighbourhood out first.” Angus made a note on his little check list. 

“Still can’t believe you have a fucking to-do list,” Taako said. 

“I like to be organized, sir.”

The car ride was mostly silent after that, with Taako focused on driving and Angus focused on planning and occasionally reading his book. The house they pulled up to looked so suburbia Taako almost gagged. He hadn’t exactly been thrilled by his house prospects in the area, but then again it was the suburbs so he’d have to get used to it. It was a lot bigger than the old house, which meant more room for him and more room for Angus. Gods knew the boy needed more room for his ever-growing collection of books. 

“Is this it?” Angus asked, his eyes wide as he smushed his face against the car window. 

“Yep. This is it.” Taako got out of the car. “Wanna help me kick the For Sale sign over?”

“Oh boy!” Angus bounded out of the car, and together the two of them kicked the sign down, stomping it into the grass. 

“Nice form, pumpkin,” Taako said. “You really showed the sign.” Suddenly, Angus’ stomach growled. He flushed slightly, curling in on himself. 

“Ango, you didn’t forget to eat breakfast, did you?” Taako asked.

“....Maybe?” Angus smiled sheepishly. Taako rolled his eyes and grabbed the boy’s hand. 

“C’mon. Let’s go get you some food and shit.” He said. The two set off in the direction Taako assumed would lead to food, but ended them up in the dog park instead. 

“Huh.” Taako paused in his dragging. “This...Is not food.”

“But dogs are nice,” Angus said. “Maybe we’ll see Magnus or Julia.” A second later, almost as if on cue, the pair was tackled to the ground by three dogs and a large man. 

“TAAKO! YOU’RE HERE!” Magnus scooped Taako up and spun him around, while the dogs licked Angus all over. 

“Nice to see you too, Mags.” Taako managed to choke out. “You’re kinda squishing me, big guy.”

“Oh, sorry.” Magnus quickly put Taako down but kept grinning so wide Taako was afraid the other man’s face would split open. 

“Magnus! Why did you run off like that-” Julia walked up, starting to scold Magnus until she saw Taako and Angus. “Oh! Hey!”

“Sup?” Taako inclined his head. 

“Koko!” The baby strapped to Julia’s chest babbled, waving her little arms around excitedly. Taako’s expression softened and he leaned down to tap little Matilda’s nose. 

“That’s right.” He said. “Uncle Koko’s here.” He could be an asshole, but only real jerks were mean to babies. Plus, it helped that he was blatantly Matilda’s favourite uncle due to his magical skills.

“So when did you guys arrive?” Julia asked as Matilda played with Taako’s fingers.

“We actually just got here a few minutes ago,” Agnus said, the dogs continuing to swarm him. “Taako was taking me to get some food, but we got kinda lost.”

“We did not get lost.” Taako folded his arms in indignation. “I was just taking a detour. Y’know, take in the scenery. Get a feel for the town.” 

Angus rolled his eyes. “Of course, sir.”

“Still, it’s so good to see you!” Magnus was practically vibrating. “There’s so much I want to show you!” Angus’ stomach loudly growled again. 

“But I guess the tour will have to wait.” Julia laughed. “There’s a nice coffee shop nearby that’s got good food. It’s owned by a nice lady named Ren. I think you’ll like her, Taako.”

“Gimme the address, Imma GPS this shit,” Taako muttered, pulling out his phone. Magnus happily provided the address and then the family was on their way, continuing on their walk with the dogs. 

“Okay, let’s go,” Taako said. They didn’t get far, though, before someone else found them. 

“Heya!” A black blur descended from the tree, falling squarely on Angus. The black blur, as it turned out, was a very brown girl in a gothic lolita dress.

“Hey, get off of him.” Taako hauled the little girl off Angus. “Geez, didn’t your parents teach you manners or shit?”

“Oh, he did.” The girl smiled widely up at Taako, revealing a missing front tooth. “I’m doing my best!”

“Sable!” Oh good, the girl’s dad was there. Taako turned to tell the man to control his damn kid and came face to face with the most handsome man he’d ever seen. It was as if the universe had created the most perfect man it possibly could and dropped him in Taako’s lap as an apology for the whole thing with Sazed. He was dressed in a ridiculously nice black suit with a little skull tie clip. He honestly looked pretty goth, with impeccable eyeliner and a few silver rings, one prominently featuring a raven’s skull.

“I’m so sorry.” The man said, moving and taking the girl’s arm. “She didn’t hurt your son, did she?”

“You good, Ango?” Taako patted Angus’ head without taking his eyes off of the man. 

“I’m fine, sir,” Angus said, adjusting his hat and pushing his glasses back up his nose. 

“Have we met before? You look familiar.” The man said, frowning a bit before recognition dawned on his face. “Oh! You must be Lup’s brother! She did say you were moving here soon. It’s so good to meet you! My name is Kravitz.” He held out his hand. Taako shook it. Oof. Firm grip. 

“I’m Sable!” The girl said brightly.

“Who the fuck names their kid Sable?” Taako looked at Kravitz, who sighed heavily. 

“She named herself.” He explained. “By the time I adopted her, she’d gotten rather attached to the name and I couldn’t just change it.”

“Some kids make fun of me for it. They only ever do it once, though.” Sable punched her fist against her open palm. 

“You’re not supposed to do that, Sable,” Kravitz said. 

“....Sorry.” She said, looking down at her feet. 

“We should probably be going.” Kravitz smiled apologetically. “I have papers to grade and I know for a fact that Sable has homework to do.”

“Aw c’mon, boss man!” Sable whined as Kravitz began to lead her away. “We only just got here! You didn’t even get that hot elf’s number.”

“Sable, I told you to stop trying to matchmake me,” Kravitz said. Taako could only stare after him, watching the man disappear from view.

“I hate it when you leave, but I love watching you go.” He murmured. 

“Sir?” Angus tilted his head to the side. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah. I’m fine.” Taako said quickly. “Let’s go.”

He headed quickly in the direction of the coffee shop Julia and Magnus had recommended. It was called The Davy Lamp, which Taako immediately thought was a weird name. But beggars couldn’t be choosers. He needed to get some food for his kid and get the subject off the extremely hot half-elf man.

“I think there’s a teacher at my school named Kravitz,” Angus said as they entered the shop. Angus had skipped more than a few grades and thus would be starting as a freshman at Maple Bay High School in a few days. 

“Oh, really?” Taako honestly wasn’t listening. Angus narrowed his eyes. 

“I’m on drugs and I’m going to kill you in your sleep.”

“That’s nice, pumpkin.”

“I’ve been planning it for months now.”

“Uh huh.”

“I’m going to smother you with your stupid lacy pillows.”

“Sure, kiddo.”

Angus sighed heavily and rolled his eyes. Everyone was looking at him strangely. 

“I’m just trying to see if he was listening,” Angus said quickly. “I’m not trying to murder him. I promise.”

“You must be Angus.” The drow woman behind the counter laughed. 

“Um...Yes?” Angus said. “Are you Ren?”

“Yep! That’s me!” Ren was a small, portly woman with the naturally dark blue skin and white hair of the drow race. She looked like a kindly aunt. 

“Can I get some food, please?” Angus got on his tiptoes to lean on the counter. 

“Sure, sweetheart,” Ren said. “What would you like?”

“What do you have?” 

Taako drifted over to stand beside Angus as Ren told the boy the specials. It wasn’t until Angus had ordered that Taako finally came back to reality. Mostly because of the squeals of Ren. 

“Oh, my gods!” She said. “You’re Taako!”

“Yep. I’m Taako.” Taako smiled. “You a fan?”

“Oh, definitely!” Ren twisted at her apron in obvious excitement. “I saw a taping of your show a few years back. It was one of the best days of my life.”

“I think I might remember you.” Taako squinted at her, looking her up and down. 

“Wha- Really?!”

“Really?” Angus looked up at Taako in near disbelief. 

“What? I remember fans.” Taako said indignantly. “She came up after the show and asked a bunch of really good questions.” He turned to Ren, grinning. “Always good to see someone else who loves food. Nice little setup you got here.” 

“It’s not much,” Ren said as she got a cinnamon roll out of the oven. “But I love making people smile with my food. Anyway, what are you doing here?”

“Just moved in, my dude.” Taako leaned on the counter. “My sister said it would be a good idea. This little squirt needed to go to high school anyway.”

“Wow, you must be really smart.” Ren handed the pastry over to Angus. 

“Well, I did skip a few grades.” Angus shrugged slightly. 

“My daughter June skipped a couple grades too. Maybe you two will get along.” Ren said. Taako looked down at Angus, a mischievous smile on his face. He’d heard a lot about a girl named June who Angus had seen a few times at various chess tournaments. 

“Hey, isn’t there a June you have a cru-” He started to ask before Angus shoved part of the cinnamon roll in his mouth. 

“Taste it!” The boy blurted out. “Isn’t it good?” Taako rolled his eyes but ate it anyway. It was pretty good. 

“This is good shit.” He said, turning back to Ren. “Think I could get the recipe?”

“I’m afraid that’s a secret.” Ren winked. 

An hour later and the two of them were still talking about food in between Ren serving customers. Angus was beginning to get bored, especially since he hadn’t brought his book. Finally, he went up and tugged on Taako’s sleeve. 

“We should probably start unpacking, right?”

“Oh shit, right,” Taako said. “Sorry. Gotta go. Boring adult stuff.”

“Feel free to drop by again,” Ren said, waving them out. “I’d love to talk to you again!” 

“Looks like you made a friend,” Angus said as they walked back to their house. “That’s good. I was a little worried, honestly.”

“Worried? About me?” Taako scoffed. “C’mon Ango, Do you have that little faith in me? Of course, I made a friend! Everyone loves me!”

“Whatever you say, sir.”

When they got home, they got to work unpacking and setting up the washer and dryer. It took some work to get the appliances running, but they managed it. They got a good portion of the boxes unpacked as well. Angus got his library set up, much to his excitement. Taako was halfway through unpacking his bedroom box when the doorbell rang. 

“Geez, who the fuck would be visiting now?” He muttered as he stumbled to the door. Upon opening it, he found the stout figure of Merle Highchurch staring back at him. He was holding a plate of cookies too.

“The kids made you these.” The dwarf said, holding the plate out. “To welcome you to the neighbourhood and all.”

“Huh. Nice.” Taako took the plate, lifting up a few cookies. “Hey, what’s this?” There was a piece of paper under one of them. 

“That weird Macallister kid said to give it to you,” Merle said, shrugging a little. “Couldn’t really hold it so I put it under a cookie.” Ah, so it was from the weird girl from the park. He opened the note. Written in crude, childish scrawl was,

_ Please, Mr. Taako won’t you date my dad? _

Below was a phone number Taako assumed was either Kravitz’s cell number or the home phone. He groaned, putting the plate down on a side table before collapsing onto the couch in a heap. 

“She trying to set you up with her dad?” Merle asked, starting to laugh. Taako made a vague noise of confirmation.

“She does that with every guy who moves into the neighbourhood,” Merle said. “Even tried it with Barry once.”

“I don’t wanna deal with this,” Taako whined. 

“What? You think he’s hot?” Merle grinned and wiggled his eyebrows. Taako groaned louder. There was a thumping sound from upstairs and Angus came running down the stairs. 

“I KNEW IT!” He yelled, pointing at Taako. “I KNEW YOU FOUND HIM ATTRACTIVE!”

“GO BACK UPSTAIRS ANGO!” Taako yelled back. Angus went back upstairs, but with a triumphant smirk on his face. Merle was leaning against the wall, laughing his ass off. 

“Stop laughing, Highchurch.” Taako hissed. 

“Okay, okay.” Merle put his hands up. “Anyway, we’re having a barbecue to welcome you to the neighbourhood later.”

“If Krav is gonna be there, I’m not coming.” Taako buried his face in pillows again. 

“Lup said you have to come, otherwise she’ll start sharing embarrassing childhood stories.”

Taako looked up and at Merle with narrowed eyes. “She wouldn’t.” 

“We both know she would.” Merle nodded solemnly. 

Taako groaned louder and rolled over. “Ugh! Fine! I’ll be there!”

“Great. See you then!” Merle happily turned and left, closing the door behind him. So this was happening. Taako burrowed into the cushions of the couch. Why did his sister hate him?


	2. Drinks with Blupcretia

“HEY ANGO! YOU WANT COOKIES!” Taako yelled back up the stairs. Cookies made by children always had questionable edibility. Angus ran down the stairs again. 

“Cookies?!” He asked, eyes wide. 

“Merle’s kids made ‘em.” Taako held the plate out. “You want some?”

“If you don’t mind, sir.” Angus took the plate, looking expectantly at Taako. The elf waved his hand dismissively. 

“Go on.” He said. “Gotta have you taste test it. Make sure it’s not poison or whatever.”

“Your concern for my safety is comforting,” Angus said, beginning to eat the cookies. After a moment or so of watching Angus eat, Taako took a cookie and popped it into his mouth. The cookies were...Okay. A little bland, honestly, but not bad. 

“They’re better than normal,” Taako said. 

“So, what did Merle talk to you about?” Angus settled down on the couch opposite Taako. 

“Lup’s throwing a barbecue and if I don’t come, she’ll tell everyone embarrassing stories about me,” Taako said, sighing dramatically.

“That sounds like Aunty Lup.” Angus nodded. “So we’re going, right?”

“Well, duh. I don’t want Lup spreading my business around.” Taako said, yawning. “Anyway, I’m gonna take a nap.”

“You’ve been up for three hours.”

“That’s three hours too many, little dude.” Taako pulled a pillow over his face. “Probably gonna have a late night too. Gotta meet up with Lup, ‘Cretia, and Barold at some point.”

“Drink responsibly,” Angus said, already anticipating where this was going to end.

“I won’t get blackout drunk,” Taako assured him with a small hand wave. “I’m a parent. I’ve gotta be responsible and shit.”

“When have you ever been responsible?” 

“Shush.” Taako threw a pillow at him and rolled over to take a nap. By the time he woke up, it was dark outside. Angus was at the door, putting on his shoes.

“Where you goin’, pumpkin?” Taako yawned and sat up. 

“Going to help take care of the Burnsides’ baby,” Angus said. “You’re going to be out late, so I figured I should go stay over at their house tonight.”

“Mmkay.” Taako rubbed his eyes, checking his phone. Lup had texted him. 

_ Lup: _

_ Hey lil bro~ We’re meeting at Jim And Kim’s. You ready to get fucked up? ;) _

He rolled his eyes and texted back.

_ Taako: _

_ I gotta be responsible and shit now, Lulu.  _

 

_ Lup: _

_ I heard he’s staying at Mags’ house tonight~  _

_ And don’t call me Lulu _

 

_ Taako: _

_.... _

_ I knew that.  _

_ Fine. I’m down to get fucked up _

 

_ Lup: _

_ XD Lol. Nice.  _

And so Taako made his way over to this Jim and Kim’s place. It was a quaint little bar. Certainly nothing like the glitzy city bars Taako was used to but, hey, it was a place to get alcohol. He couldn’t be too judgemental. He spotted Lucretia, Barry, and Lup huddled at a little table in the corner. Barry and Lucretia were both drinking some fruity drinks while Lup was slamming back whiskey. 

“Taako!” Lup sprung up as soon as she saw him, running over and nearly tackling him to the ground. 

“Geez. You saw me like two days ago.” Taako whined. 

“Yeah, but now you’re here,” Lup said. “And we can celebrate you  _ being _ here!”

“We have missed you,” Lucretia admitted. “I would say it’s been quiet without you, but...” She looked over at Lup, who quickly got up and planted a sloppy kiss on Lucretia’s cheek. 

“Aw, c’mon. You love me.” She said. 

“I do. But that doesn’t excuse the 3 AM science.”

“Sorry,” Barry mumbled into his drink. “But in our defence, it was a very important experiment. It really couldn’t wait.”

“Gods. You guys are such nerds.” Taako rolled his eyes, settling into the booth beside them. “Did you at least blow anything up this time?”

“Our smoke detector is straight up busted.” Lucretia sipped at her drink. “And no pants Friday has been cancelled until further notice.”

“Oh shit! You still have no pants Friday?” Taako laughed. “Ango always silently judges me when I do that.”

“Well, every day is no pants day,” Barry admitted. “We forget to do laundry a lot.” 

“And pants are so constricting,” Lup said, sipping her drink.

“I feel ya.” Taako snatched Barry’s drink and raised it in the air. “I’ll toast to that.”

“Hey!” Barry tried to protest but quickly thought better of it, instead getting up to get another from the bartender. He swayed a little as he did so. Taako snickered. 

“So, how are you liking it here?” Lup asked. 

“Y’know, it’s nice.” Taako shrugged. “Met a drow lady named Ren who’s got some killer cinnamon rolls. So I probably got a friend here.”

“Oh yeah, Ren’s cinnamon rolls are to die for!” Barry said, settling back down beside Lup. 

“Barry’s used them in dark rituals before,” Lucretia said. “Ren didn’t like that.”

“Nice job, Barold.” 

“It was once!”

“It was more than once, babe.” Lup patted his shoulder. “But don’t worry. I still love you.”

“Ugh! Do you guys have to be so cute?” Taako groaned. “It’s bad enough that you have a boyfriend when I don’t, but you have a girlfriend too! It’s not fair!”

“Well, there’s a single guy who lives near you,” Lup said, wiggling her eyebrows. “And I heard through the grapevine you’ve already met him~”

“You met Kravitz already?” Barry’s eyes widened. “Damn, Lup wanted to introduce you guys.”

“Look, his kid fell on my kid. It’s not a big deal.” Taako said quickly, leaning back and drawing into himself. 

“It’s faaaate~” Lup sang. 

“It’s not fate!” Taako said. “I mean, yeah, I guess he’s cute, but that doesn’t mean I’m going after him."

“Taako.” Lucretia reached out to touch Taako’s hand. 

“Yes, ‘Cretia?”

“You climb him like a fucking tree.” She said this without batting an eye. 

“Come on, you guys!” Taako groaned and ran a hand through his hair. “I barely know him!”

“Well, it would be good for you to get back out there,” Barry said. “And Kravitz is a nice guy. If things don’t work out, then at least the breakup won’t be messy.” Taako groaned louder, putting his head down on the table. He didn’t want to deal with dating right now. Especially not after Sazed. But Kravitz had been pretty cute. 

“He’ll be at the barbecue~” Lup leaned in, grinning wide. 

“Ugh. I hate you guys.” Taako said. “Fine. I’ll talk to him and shit.”

“Attaboy!” Lup slapped his back. 

“Get yourself some dick.” Lucretia nodded solemnly. 

“‘Cretia!”

They continued to drink for another few hours before stumbling home. 

“Remember!” Lup said from the doorway of her house, wobbling a bit. “Get that dick!”

“Not so loud!” Barry hissed. Taako waved it off and got inside, collapsing onto the couch. He was woken up the next morning by the smell of food. He was definitely more than a little hungover. He groaned, rolling over. 

“Good morning, sir.” Angus’ voice came from the kitchen. “How was drinking with Aunty Lup?”

“Less talking. More food.” Taako said. Angus sighed and came in with some pancakes and coffee. Taako rolled over again and chugged down the coffee. Angus sat down opposite him, waiting until his father was coherent again.

“So, how was your night?” He asked. 

“They pressured me to go talk to tall, dark, and handsome,” Taako grumbled into his food. “So I’m gonna to talk to him at the barbecue.”

“How brave of you,” Angus said. “Do you want any aspirin?”

“Yes please.”

Angus got up and retrieved some aspirin from the hall cabinet. He returned with the aspirin and a glass of water, handing them over to Taako.

“Thanks,” Taako mumbled, downing the aspirin. 

“Are you feeling better?” Angus asked. “Because I have to go to school now.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Taako waved Angus away as he finished his breakfast. “School is important and all that. Stay out of trouble.”

“I will!” Angus grabbed his backpack and keys, running out the door. Taako yawned and ate his breakfast. Once he was done, he went and did the dishes. He couldn’t believe he’d agreed to do this. Taako would never admit it, but he was afraid of dating now. Afraid he’d mess it up the way he had with Sazed. After all, it had been his fault Sazed had snapped, right? If he’d been nicer, it wouldn’t have happened. If he’d been nicer, Sazed wouldn’t have killed 40 people. It was his fault. He couldn’t do anything right. This led to him crying on the kitchen floor. It wasn’t the first time this had happened and it probably wouldn’t be the last. By the time Angus got home, Taako had recovered. He was doing his nails since he had to look nice for his barbecue rendezvous with Kravitz. 

“How was school?” He asked when Angus entered. 

“Sable found me?” Angus said, sitting down on the couch beside Taako. “She was waiting outside the gate and gave me her phone number?”

“Look at you, being a little chick magnet,” Taako smirked at him. “Breaking hearts left and right with your nerdy little sweater vest.”

“Sir, I think getting a date for herself is the last thing on her mind,” Angus said. “And my sweater vest is fine, thank you very much.”

“Why do you say that?”

“She texted me asking if you like goths.” Angus showed him the text. Damn, for an 11-year-old she really was persistent. Why did she want him to date her dad so much?

“So...That’s interesting,” Angus said, taking back his phone. “It seems like everyone wants you to date this guy.”

“Don’t tell Lup that. She’ll say it’s fate.” Taako wiped off the nail polish and went back to doing his nails. “Fate is bullshit.” Angus just shrugged and collected his bag, going upstairs to do his homework. Taako actually managed to get his butt up to the bed this time, and fell asleep in his unmade bed. 


	3. The Barbeque

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taako tries to put the moves on Kravitz and the kids bond

Taako was awoken on the day of the barbecue by an excited Angus.

“Sir!” Angus said, shaking him. “It’s the day of the barbecue!”

“Mm. Five more minutes.” Taako grumbled, rolling over. 

“It’s already almost noon. We have to be there soon!” Angus shook him harder. Taako made a loud, irritated sound but got up and got dressed anyway. It was about half an hour before he deemed himself presentable. He found Angus standing by the door, tapping his foot impatiently. 

“What’s got your panties in a twist?” Taako asked. “You looking forward to seeing June?”

“Wha- No!” Angus flushed, pulling his hat down over his eyes. Taako laughed and opened the door. 

“Come on, kiddo.” He said. “Lup’ll kill us if we’re late.” The barbecue was being held at Magnus’ house since he was the only one of them who genuinely enjoyed grilling. He was such a dad. They rolled up to the front yard with the cookie plate under Taako’s arm. Lup was waiting out front for them. 

“Hey!” She ran over, slinging an arm over both their shoulders. “Great to see you both!”

“Don’t act like you’re surprised to see us,” Taako said. “You blackmailed me into this.”

“C’mon, what’s a little blackmail between siblings?” Lup grinned at Taako. Angus quickly slipped out of Lup’s grip, going to find June. However, he didn’t find June. He found Sable. 

“Hi~” She waved to him. “Did you ask your dad that question I texted you?”

“I didn’t,” Angus said. 

“Aw. Why?” She asked, tilting her head to the side.

“Why are you trying so hard to set your dad up with my dad?” Angus asked, sitting down beside Sable. Sable’s smile quickly dropped. 

“You want a real answer or a bullshit answer?”

“Real, please.”

Sable sighed. “Did Taako date before he adopted you?”

“Um, he was married before,” Angus said, a little confused as to why she was asking this. “But then his husband poisoned 40 people and they got divorced.”

“Okay. Bad example.” Sable said. “The thing is, Kravitz was seeing someone before he got me. His name was Marvie. Apparently getting a rugrat was a dealbreaker for ol’ Marv. Guy skipped town in the middle of the night with his motorcycle gang. The Hammerheads.” She made a disparaging hand gesture. 

“I’m guessing you didn’t like his motorcycle gang much.” Angus laughed. 

“I think you know how I feel about his dumb gang,” Sable said. “Anyway, the boss man hasn’t really gotten out there since Marvie. And I know I’m his whole world, but I don’t want to be his  **whole** word, you know?”

“I understand.”

“I want him to have a life outside of me.” Sable continued. “I want him to have something when I’m gone. ‘Cause I’m going to go to college someday and he can’t just be here alone forever.”

“That’s...actually rather mature of you,” Angus said, nodding. 

Sable gave him a lopsided grin and got to her feet. “Anyway, enough of the serious stuff. You wanna see how many hot dogs I can stuff in my mouth?”

“Yeah, okay.”

As they ran to the hot dog table, Taako sidled over to Kravitz, doing his best to look disinterested in the whole affair.

“Looks like our kids are getting along.” He said. 

“Oh! Taako!” Kravitz paused in his discussion with Magnus. “Hello.”

“Hi, Taako!” Magnus waved enthusiastically. For once, he didn’t have the baby strapped to his chest. The baby was on Julia this time. 

“Sup, Mags.” Taako tilted his head towards Magnus before returning his attention to Kravitz. “Anyway, our kids are getting along.”

“What...What do you mean by that?” Kravitz suddenly looked slightly scared. “Sable isn’t pantsing him, is she?”

“What? No.” Now it was Taako’s turn to frown. “Why would she be doing that?”

“Uh, no reason,” Kravitz said, glancing past Taako. “Oh! Oh good, she’s just putting hot dogs in her mouth this time.” 

“You have a weird kid, my dude,” Taako said. 

“Well, you’re not wrong.” Kravitz smiled wearily. 

“I think they’ll be good friends,” Magnus said, nodding definitively. 

“That would be nice,” Kravitz said. “Sable doesn’t have a lot of friends. She has some...issues relating to other people.”

“Neither does Ango,” Taako said. “Other kids don’t like him ‘cause he’s a know-it-all. He’s gotten beaten up a couple times, but we took care of it.” He paused to fist bump Magnus. They were grown men, but they weren’t afraid to scare the pants off some snot-nosed brats to protect Angus. Angus had, of course, been fairly mortified by the whole experience, but he’d been left alone.

“I see him in the library a lot.” Kravitz nodded. “He seems like a bright kid.” 

“No one’s picking on him, right? Because I will cut a bitch if I need to.” He wasn’t afraid to pull out the ‘evil wizard’ routine again. The PTA already hated him.

“I can help!” Magnus beamed. 

“That’d be great, big guy.” Taako patted his shoulder. 

“Well, I don’t have him in any of my classes,” Kravitz said. “But I can ask around if you like.” He smiled at Taako and the elf felt little butterflies popping up in his stomach. Abort. Abort. 

“Hey, how’s it goin’ over here?” Oh, thank gods. Lup walked up and slung her arm over Taako’s shoulder. 

“Lulu, baby sis, please tell me there’s alcohol at this party.” Taako hissed into her ear. “I need to get as fucked up as possible.”

“Taako, is everything alright?” Kravitz asked, his brow furrowing ever so slightly. 

“Just...need to get some water.” Taako laughed nervously and dragged Lup away. Lup smirked the whole way until they were in the Burnside’s kitchen. A few of the smaller dogs owned by Magnus and Julia crowded around the twins, sniffing at their pockets. 

“So, your conversation’s going pretty well, huh?” She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.

“This is a bad idea. I want out.” Taako said, grabbing her by her shoulders. “Call off the blackmail.”

“Taako, you need to put yourself out there again.” Lup gently removed his hands from her shoulders. “I know it’s not gonna be easy after Sazed, but you can do this. Think of Krav as a practice run if you need to.”

“No, Lulu, you don’t understand.” Taako started tugging on his ears. “I’m  _ feeling _ things! I don’t do feelings!”

“Feelings?” Lup’s eyes widened slightly. “Hm. Didn’t think your chemistry would be that strong.”

“Lup, what if things go wrong?” Taako said. “What if I fuck it up? What if he hates me?”

“Whoa, slow down.” Lup pulled his hands away from his ears, lest he ends up tearing them off. “You two aren’t even dating yet.”

“But what if we do?!” Taako’s breathing quickened. “What if things go the way they did with Sazed?! What if-”

“Taako.” She had a way of saying his name that always calmed him down. He wasn’t sure what it was, but just hearing his sister say his name immediately made him feel safe. 

“It’s going to be okay.” She smiled softly. “If you two end up going out and things go south, then they go south. If you two break up, then you break up. But trust me on this, he won’t hate you.”

“How do you know?” Taako asked, his voice small. 

“Because I know the guy,” Lup said. “His hatred is reserved for people who actually do shitty stuff. Like the guy who left him for a fucking motorcycle gang.” 

Taako frowned. “Wait, hold up. Left him for a motorcycle gang? Pretty sure that’s not something you should be telling me.”

“Whoops.” Lup laughed a tad nervously. “Sorry. Everyone around here knows about it.”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean you should bring it up,” Taako said. Well, at least he knew he had some common tragic backstory with the guy. He sighed and headed back out to where Kravitz had started up a conversation with Johan. Avi, Johan’s husband, was talking with Magnus. 

“Hey, uh, we’re back,” Taako said. 

“Are you feeling better?” Kravitz asked, looking so genuinely concerned it made Taako’s heart skip a beat. 

“Yeah, homie. I’m fine.” Taako waved a hand dismissively. “How’s it going with you two nerds?”

“We’re discussing music theory,” Johan said. “You wanna listen?” Now, Taako knew absolutely nothing about music theory. But before he could stop himself, he said,

“Yeah, sure.”

Kravitz’s face lit up and he started to chatter about music theory. Absolutely all of it went over Taako’s head, but he did his best to nod and look interested. It was the polite thing to do, after all. Johan seemed to pick up on Taako’s ruse and wandered over to where Avi and Magnus were talking. Geez, did everyone knows about Lup’s attempt to matchmake? Knowing her, she’d probably been planning this for a long time.

“Oh, uh, sorry.” Kravitz abruptly stopped and flushed. “You probably don’t understand a lot of this. I shouldn’t have just gone off about that.”

“Nah, don’t worry, homie,” Taako assured him. “You’re kinda cute when you’re excited.”

“Oh, uh, thank you.” Kravitz went a tad bit redder, pulling at his collar. 

“KISS!” Sable yelled from a few feet away. Angus tried to drag Sable down, desperately giving Taako an apologetic look. Taako made a calming gesture.  

“SABLE MARIE!” Kravitz yelled back in an authoritative tone that made Taako weak in the knees. He’d always loved a man who could take charge. 

“Oh shit. Run Angus! Run!” Sable then dragged Angus away. Mookie got excited and ran after them as well, Mavis in tow. Merle waddled after them. Someone had to make sure none of the kids died, after all. Kravitz sighed and turned to apologize to Taako. He trailed off when he saw Taako’s look of wide-eyed awe. 

“Are you....alright?” He asked slowly. Taako grabbed Kravitz by his stupid lapels and drew him closer. 

“I want you to throw me on that table and fuck me like you mean it.” He said. 

“TAAKO!” Lup yelled. Kravitz stared at Taako, wide-eyed, as his face gradually turned as similar to the shade of a tomato as it could. 

“FOOD!” Magnus bellowed. “FOOD’S READY!” This, thankfully, took the attention off of what Taako had just said. Everyone crowded around the grill. Kravitz continued to stand there, stunned, even as Sable walked up and proceeded to monkey her way up him until she was on his shoulders. 

“You okay?” She poked at his head. “Something bad didn't happen, did it?”

“Taako said he wanted me to fuck him.” Kravitz whispered. 

“Hm.” Sable leaned on his head. “I mean, that’s pretty good, right? You haven’t had sex since-”

“Sable, I am not having this conversation in public after a man told me to throw him on a table and fuck him.” Kravitz pinched the bridge of his nose, out of habit more than anything else. Sable’s eyes widened and she grinned.

“Oooh! That is good!” Sable squealed. “You two have a future!”

“Sable,” Kravitz said, his tone almost disappointed. He reached up and took her off of his shoulders, holding her in front of him. She looked innocently up at him. 

“Sable, you don’t need to try and matchmake me.” Kravitz calmly said. “I’ll get out there when I’m ready.”

“But you’re never ready.” She whined. 

“Look, I understand you want a father-”

“No, you don’t get it!” Sable squirmed in his arms. “It’s not for me, it’s for you! Relationships make people happy! You’re always so sad. It’s not fair!”  She started to sniffle a little. Kravitz sighed, holding her against his chest and patting her back. 

“I think we might head home.” He moved over to Magnus, tapping the other man’s back with his free hand. “Sable’s having a bit of a hard time.”

“Aw. I hope she feels better.” Magnus looked down at her and gave her hair a playful tousle. 

“I’M FINE!” Sable yelled, her voice muffled by Kravitz’s chest. “THE BOSS MAN IS BEING A DICK!” Kravitz could hear the telltale waver in her voice. She’d start crying pretty soon. Kravitz waved goodbye to everyone and headed towards the gate. Someone caught him by the arm and dragged him back, though. Kravitz turned to find Taako standing there, flushed. 

“Look, I...Uh...Sorry I made things weird, my dude.” He said. “Do you wanna, like, having lunch sometime? I mean, you don’t have to but it’d be nice to talk to you or some shit.” 

“That would be nice.” Kravitz smiled gently. “I assume Sable gave you my number?”

“Yeah, she did.”

“I REGRET NOTHING!”

“Yes, sweetie, I know.” Kravitz kissed her head before turning his attention back to Taako. “I’ll see you some other time then. It was nice seeing you.” Then he left. Taako was left staring after him in a sort of dreamlike state. Fuck. He was in deep. 

**Author's Note:**

> So this is a thing that I'm doing now. This'll be a lot shorter than Kravitz's Moving Castle.


End file.
